CONFESSION SESSION

1, It's Tuesday afternoon and I want to eat ALL THE THINGS.

This is par for the course, as my Weight Watcher meeting and weigh in is in a few hours. In the past I would literally starve myself all day before my meeting. I can't (and obviously shouldn't) do that now. But, I do try to not pig out in the hours leading up to my weigh in. Of course, my mind usually has other plans.

I mean, the minute I tell myself I'm not going to do or have something, my brain goes to work fighting for it. 

Which, leads me to confession two....

2. I fell off the Whole 30 plan. And then I fell again... HARD. 

So a big component of the Whole 30 is that you don't mess up. If you cheat (intentionally or accidentally) you are supposed to start over. The premise of the plan is that you are not only working to detoxify your body and retrain your cravings... but also to deal with your emotional relationship with food.

So, last week... a day or two in to the program, I cheated. It was SUPER small...and I immediately felt guilty, so I threw away the problem. I confessed to my husband, mother and a friend. And, vowed to get back on track. Which, I did.

Until Thursday night, when I got SO sick. All I wanted to (and could) eat were saltine crackers. Then, mashed potatoes. The crackers are absolutely not on plan, and the potatoes could be, but I doubt the ones I had were. I finally started feeling better Sunday. But, when C got called back into work Sunday evening, I decided to ride up there with him. We stopped and got grilled chicken salads on the way. I had guacamole as my "dressing" (Whole 30 approved!) but completely forgot to cut the black beans and cheese. UGH.  It seems like I take 2 steps forward and 1 step back everyday. Or maybe the other way around.

I know I should start over, but I also know my mind. If I tell myself that I'm starting over... I will continue to mess up and "start over". This is something I have learned about myself recently...

3. I'm messed up. Ha.

I've been overweight most of my life. I've tried diet after diet. But, in the last year or so, I've learned so much about myself.... by just asking the "WHY?!" question over and over.  I have a sweet friend that we email back and forth our weight loss struggles. I always tell her that I can't figure out why I am the way I am. I'm messed up! 

In all seriousness.... I think about that a lot. A LOT. I've talked a lot about the reasons why I think I've struggled (see my post on bad habits here). And those are all still very much relevant (and still very much problematic). But, WHY do I continue to do these things... especially when I recognize them as problems?

I joke about being lazy, and to an extent... I am. I mean, I would rather lay on the couch and read a book than work out or do housework. But, it's not like that is what I'm actually doing. I just can't figure out why, when I know I shouldn't have (insert whatever it is here) that is all I can think about?

4. I'm tired of feeling defeated. 

Some days I feel really motivated and successful. The scale is going down (slowly...but at least it is dropping). Other days? I feel like I can't do anything right... and all I want to eat is sugar. And salt. 

Anyway, I hate that this is another kind of "blah" post. I promise I'm not a Debbie Downer all of the time. I just wanted to get these feelings documented. I literally just googled books on overcoming laziness. Maybe I could justify laying on the couch reading one of those?

WHOLE 30

Today is day one of my Whole 30 experience. So far? I'm doing okay. Haha! I figure I only have roughly 88 meals to go! LOL

When I started on my 31 day weight loss blogging challenge this month, I really just wanted to focus on making changes. I knew that I would be doing the Weight Watchers program. I love the accountability of weighing in and the fellowship that happens during the meeting.

But, I also knew that I wanted to give Whole 30 a chance (eventually). I've wanted to do it since my sweet friend Melissa did her 30 days last fall. This challenge is TOTALLY out of my comfort zone. I like all the breads I can get. And, I'm not that big on meat and eggs. I kept thinking WHAT WILL I EAT?!!!  I knew doing the program would require some pretty big changes. I hate to admit this, but I started doubting myself before I even really tried.

But here I am.. a little over the half way point in my 31 days of blogging challenge... and I'm starting Whole 30 and two dietbets! Ha.  I'm just trying to keep the motivation train moving!

You can read all about the Whole 30 program on their website, but one of the rules is that you do not weigh yourself for 30 days.

Is it pitiful that this is the most troublesome rule for me? I weigh myself EVERY day. I will say that I don't get overly wrapped up in it. I mean, it's not automatically a horrible day if I'm up a pound (or 10). I just sort of do it out of habit.

One of the main aspects of WW is that you weigh in every week. See my dilemma?! Ha. I have decided that I'm not going to count points this next 30 days. WW has a program that is similar to Whole 30. And, by doing Whole 30 I'll be mostly within the tenets of WW anyway. But, I'd still really like to go to the meetings.  I'm not sure yet if I'll be weighing in each week (I can use "no weigh in" passes). But, I'm nosy AND I'm a rule breaker, so we'll see!

I think the important thing is that I've committed to doing the program for 30 days. If I feel like my weigh in's are jeopardizing that, I'll quit. I'm also going to hide the scale at home so that if I do weigh in at WW, that is the only time I will weigh in.

I know none of this matters at all to most of you! Ha. But, I thought I'd share anyway!

I'll be back tomorrow with an update on day one, my weigh in results (if I do decide to weigh in) as well as my weekly goals!!

Hope everyone is having a great week.