CONFESSION SESSION

1, It's Tuesday afternoon and I want to eat ALL THE THINGS.

This is par for the course, as my Weight Watcher meeting and weigh in is in a few hours. In the past I would literally starve myself all day before my meeting. I can't (and obviously shouldn't) do that now. But, I do try to not pig out in the hours leading up to my weigh in. Of course, my mind usually has other plans.

I mean, the minute I tell myself I'm not going to do or have something, my brain goes to work fighting for it. 

Which, leads me to confession two....

2. I fell off the Whole 30 plan. And then I fell again... HARD. 

So a big component of the Whole 30 is that you don't mess up. If you cheat (intentionally or accidentally) you are supposed to start over. The premise of the plan is that you are not only working to detoxify your body and retrain your cravings... but also to deal with your emotional relationship with food.

So, last week... a day or two in to the program, I cheated. It was SUPER small...and I immediately felt guilty, so I threw away the problem. I confessed to my husband, mother and a friend. And, vowed to get back on track. Which, I did.

Until Thursday night, when I got SO sick. All I wanted to (and could) eat were saltine crackers. Then, mashed potatoes. The crackers are absolutely not on plan, and the potatoes could be, but I doubt the ones I had were. I finally started feeling better Sunday. But, when C got called back into work Sunday evening, I decided to ride up there with him. We stopped and got grilled chicken salads on the way. I had guacamole as my "dressing" (Whole 30 approved!) but completely forgot to cut the black beans and cheese. UGH.  It seems like I take 2 steps forward and 1 step back everyday. Or maybe the other way around.

I know I should start over, but I also know my mind. If I tell myself that I'm starting over... I will continue to mess up and "start over". This is something I have learned about myself recently...

3. I'm messed up. Ha.

I've been overweight most of my life. I've tried diet after diet. But, in the last year or so, I've learned so much about myself.... by just asking the "WHY?!" question over and over.  I have a sweet friend that we email back and forth our weight loss struggles. I always tell her that I can't figure out why I am the way I am. I'm messed up! 

In all seriousness.... I think about that a lot. A LOT. I've talked a lot about the reasons why I think I've struggled (see my post on bad habits here). And those are all still very much relevant (and still very much problematic). But, WHY do I continue to do these things... especially when I recognize them as problems?

I joke about being lazy, and to an extent... I am. I mean, I would rather lay on the couch and read a book than work out or do housework. But, it's not like that is what I'm actually doing. I just can't figure out why, when I know I shouldn't have (insert whatever it is here) that is all I can think about?

4. I'm tired of feeling defeated. 

Some days I feel really motivated and successful. The scale is going down (slowly...but at least it is dropping). Other days? I feel like I can't do anything right... and all I want to eat is sugar. And salt. 

Anyway, I hate that this is another kind of "blah" post. I promise I'm not a Debbie Downer all of the time. I just wanted to get these feelings documented. I literally just googled books on overcoming laziness. Maybe I could justify laying on the couch reading one of those?