I'M TRICIA AND I'M FAT

I tried to think of something cute to start this post, but, for the sake of getting to the point...

I'm Tricia.

And I'm fat.

There, I've said it.

Yes, I have been thinner, but never thin. 

Ever.

I've never stood on the scale and been 1) at a healthy weight or 2) remotely satisfied with the number.

All of my life I have thought about my future and I've just assumed that I would be thin by the time that dream rolled around. But I was fat when I started high school. Fat when I got my driver's license. I was fat when I went to prom. Fat at my high school graduation. Fat for the first day of college. Fat when I graduated college. Fat for my first work trip. Fat when I got married. Fat when I woke up this morning. Fat. Fat. Fat.

A couple of years ago, the sunflowers must have aligned with Jupiter (either that or I hit a breaking point) and I got super serious about losing weight. I was like a machine. I got up, ate healthy and worked out. All day. Everyday. I was going to my Weight Watchers meetings like it was my job. I was unstoppable. 

And you know what happened?

I lost weight. Like 40 pounds! And I was feeling super sassy. I was confident! I was buying clothes in the "normal" part of the store! I could tackle all the world's problems! I was going to be skinny once and for all!!!

And then my dad got cancer. 

Plateau.

And then it spread.

Gained.

And then he passed away.

All of the weight plus about 30 pounds back.

The pain of heartache is a heaviness that is hard to describe. That coupled with the actual weight I was carrying was too much. I was miserable and I just kept eating. Last year, when I attempted this challenge for the first time, I was at the heaviest I'd ever been. I knew I desperately needed to make a change. And I definitely wanted to be different. But the sad truth was that I wasn't ready to make the changes.

And that is why a year later, I'm basically at the same point (physically) that I was then. I feel like I'm getting stronger emotionally. But it's a tricky thing. It's been 18 months since I last saw Terry (my stepfather/dad). There are days when I still pick up the phone to tell him something funny and then I remember. Those are the times where the struggle is the hardest. But, eating Cheetos for breakfast (it only happened once, but that's probably once too much) is not going to make anything better. Right?

I'm ready to make some changes. To take back control. So, while this journey will be a lot longer than 31 days, I think the first 31 are pretty important. The sad fact is that in the last two years, I haven't stuck to any kind of healthy living plan for that long. If we are being honest, I'm not sure I've stuck to one longer than 31 hours. I need to change pretty much every aspect of my life right now. Seriously. 

And the next 31 days are the baby steps to doing so.

I'm fully aware that as I write these words, nobody may actually ever read them. I'm pretty skilled at talking to myself though... so no real worries there. However, if anyone is reading this... I do hope that you will leave a note... let me know if you are on a similar journey, or if you have anything to share. 

If you are motivational or are in need of motivating... please say hello!